HELP CHILDREN COPE
Help Children Cope
with Loss and Fear
Fortify the Family Bond
1. Cultivate stability with lots of love, consistent discipline, and patience. Whether it's the death of a loved one, divorce of parents, a tragedy like 9/11, or continued terrorist threats, a stable home environment and honest talks with your kids can make all the difference. In the face of high stress or trauma, keep your home life as "normal" as possible. Let your kids know you love them and that you are always there for them. Minimize change as much as you can. Continue with usual bonding activities like reading at bedtime. Consider adding some pleasant surprises like your child's favorite dinner or a meal out at a kid-fun restaurant. Don't be tempted to let house rules slide into chaos in troubled times. Practice being consistent in your discipline, being authoritative -- not authoritarian -- yet flexible and understanding.
2. Consider carefully the imagery your children are exposed to. Mimi Doe, author of 10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting (HarperCollins Publishers, 1998), suggests limiting TV images of tragedy, especially for young ones. Instead, turn to less-intrusive media like radio. When kids are upset, encourage them to dwell on positive images and engage in comforting and familiar rituals. You might even begin some new traditions. To memorialize the loss of life on 9/11 without delving into the disturbing imagery, you might light seven candles: one for each of the four planes, two for the Twin towers, and one for the Pentagon. This ritual might lead you into a family discussion about future hope and the meaning of life, or another meaning significant to your family.
Spiritual Parenting
3. Answer grief and trauma with a secure foundation at home. Children experience grief whenever they suffer a significant loss. It could be anything from losing a parent at the World Trade Center to losing a friend who moves away. And just like adults, children go through the stages of denial, anger, guilt, and acceptance. Dr. Salomon Grimberg, a Dallas child psychiatrist, reminds parents that providing a sense of security at home serves children well during times of trauma. "The growth and development of children needs to take place in an ambience of security," Grimberg says. "Only security will, more likely than not, provide an internal sense of stability that children will carry within them the rest of their lives." Make time to be with your child. Instead of grabbing a cup of coffee in the morning, sit down to cereal together and enjoy a chat over breakfast. Ask about your child's upcoming day and encourage her to talk freely. Show real interest in your child's life and the way she is reacting to a stressful situation. Above all, let your child know how much you love him. To find more useful information about helping kids cope with trauma, check out the U.S. Department of Education's parental resources on the Web.
4. Talk as a family and listen to your kids. Communication is more important than ever in difficult times. Grimberg points out that children need to be provided with an understanding that is appropriate for their level of development. The younger the child, the simpler the explanation. "In the best of circumstances, children have parents whom they trust and who they approach when they feel uneasy," he says. Be available to answer all questions your child asks, or gently draw out information when your child seems disturbed by something. Let your child express fears and worries. And really listen. When responding, author Doe emphasizes the importance of being unbiased and reassuring. Your answers are an opportunity to model tolerance and courage and to show that you are always there for your child. Demonstrating integrity when your children turn to you for guidance will teach your kids good character. It will also help them feel secure that they can turn to you for wisdom.
Confront Emotions
5. Face the facts and experience the emotions. A way to cope with fear is to face facts. The best way to deal with grief, psychologists say, is to experience it. "Fear and grief are natural responses and they need to be accepted and experienced as such rather than magnified or avoided," Grimberg says. A year after 9/11 or any loss or crisis, many children will have moved on, but some will not. How children react to trauma depends on their temperament, their caregivers' attunement to their needs, and the child's stage of development. Children's responses are likely to be influenced by the attitude in the home -- including the mindset of the people they love most. "If the family lives in fear, with hatred, without compassion, the children will likely see things filtered through their family's perceptions, even what they learn from the news or at school," Grimberg says. Model the kind of emotional and spiritual health you would like to see in your child. When children are with you in the car, breathe deeply instead of venting anger verbally. Respond to a rude store clerk with kindness. Instead of reacting with fear to the Muslim world, check out a library book to learn about Islam together with your children.
6. Acknowledge fear and respond with confidence and trust.It is important to acknowledge your child's fears, whether it's the dark, the monster in the closet, or the threat of another terrorist attack. Helping your child put her fears into words is beneficial. The more a child can successfully communicate his feelings, the less threatening those feelings will feel. Try to communicate your calm control over the situation. Assure your child that you understand the problem and won't allow any harm to come. But try not to sugarcoat the dire or bluff your way through the inexplicable. "Life holds many mysteries, and children need to learn early that we do not have answers for many questions," says Grimberg. "They need to learn that we need to live with trust about the unknown because it has always existed and always will."
7. Keep connected. As much as possible during a troubled time, author Doe suggests connecting with others. Kids long for connections and cling to the comforting rhythm of the ordinary. When all else seems to be in upheaval, just sitting down to the dinner table as a family or keeping to your normal schedule of going to temple or church can anchor distressed minds and hearts. Teach your children the discipline of focusing on the positive; connecting with good thoughts will give them mental and spiritual strength.
8. Remember beauty and be grateful for life. That can be hard when senseless acts of violence and hatred take innocent lives, when an accident cuts short a life, or a horrific disease slowly steals a loved one. Grimberg's prescription for combating the ills of the world is a big dose of beauty: "Despite its horrors, life is extraordinary and very, very beautiful," he says. "Its beauty is in front of us at every step, if we are willing to let ourselves see it and appreciate it. From time to time, horrible events that cannot be stopped take place, but that is the rare thing. In the end, there are many more beautiful experiences. Instill in your children an appreciation of beauty by helping them notice it. Go for a walk together and take turns pointing out the wondrous details of nature. Take a drive in the country at sunset and enjoy the glories of the changing colors across the landscape. From small miracles like changing leaves, dew on grass, grains of sand, or a newborn calf, your children will learn a large appreciation for the gift of life."
Easing Your Child's Fears
by Marion Bilich, PhD
How can you assure your child that he's safe?
At school some older children were talking about frightening news events and my young son overheard them. Now he's afraid that there will be a war and that our family is in danger. How can I assure him that he's safe?
Throughout his childhood, your child will undoubtedly hear things that have the potential to scare him. It wouldn't be truthful to assure him there will never be a war. But let him know that if we go to war, it will only be to protect him and everyone else in our country. Tell your child that his parents, teachers, and everyone in the government will do everything possible to make sure that he and all other children are safe.
Explain how unlikely it is that your home would be chosen as a target. How you explain this to your child will depend on his age. An older child may understand that it is unlikely that anyone will want to target your home and that, statistically speaking, the chances of anything happening to him are slim. A child under the age of 6, however, may need to be reassured that his home and school are safe places, and that there are grownups there who will protect him.
Infants
Even though your baby can't discuss war doesn't mean she's completely immune from the emotional fallout. "Infants get their feelings from the way their parents treat them. If they hear worried tones or arguing, that has an effect," says Dr. Alice Sterling Honig, professor emeritus of child development at Syracuse University. Body language is especially telling at this stage, she explains. "This is a primary way an infant knows if mommy or daddy is worried – and they will react to that."
Because infants are sensitive to touch, you may want to monitor your behavior. Are you watching the news while feeding baby? Holding or playing with her while you discuss current events with another adult in the home? Keep in mind that during these times, while you might not be addressing your baby directly, she's aware of your reactions to the conversation. Try to ensure that bonding activities like feeding and playing aren't clouded by your own anxiety or concerns about war.
In addition, be aware of the amount of time you spend watching TV with your baby in the room. While infants certainly can't understand the content of a newscast, the sights and sounds will still have an effect. "We know from research that even infants will orient to the picture on the TV and that it can have an emotional impact even if the child can't make sense of it," says Honig.
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For Kids Under 5
Despite your best efforts, it's quite likely that your child will be exposed to news of crime, tragedy, terrorism, and even war via the media. Even were you to keep your children at your side every second, it would be difficult to completely seal them off from hearing or seeing footage of such events. So, what can you do when your child spots raw news footage you'd rather they not see? Dr. Marion Bilich, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, offers this advice:
"You shouldn't feel guilty about what happened. It's inevitable that your child will eventually see pictures or videos of terrorist attacks or war. While you have some control over what she sees in your home, you cannot control everything that she will see. In the weeks and months ahead there are likely to be more disturbing events.
"What is important is that you help your child make sense out of what she has seen. If she's upset, encourage her to express her feelings. Ask her open-ended questions that encourage her to share her feelings and confusion. Say, for example: 'Could you tell me a little about the pictures or videos you saw?' You might also encourage her to make a drawing of what she saw and then talk about the drawing together."
In addition, Dr. Bilich recommends that parents consider reducing their own media consumption to maintain as much control as possible over what children see. Turn instead to radio, newspapers, and Internet sites for your news.